Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Monday, April 11, 2005

This Thursday is the Harvard Public Interest Auction, where the school pretends it can't afford to fund students who want to spend the summer working for public interest, and professors pretend it's not unconscionable to auction off access to themselves, and students pretend it's not ridiculous to give the school even more money than we already do.

My plan was to make up some fake items up for auction that would be funny, but, as it turns out, the real ones are funnier than anything I could make up. I've combed through the book. Here's a sampling:

LifeCycle Stationary Bicycle
Looking for a way to get into shape for summer? Than this almost new LifeCycle Exercise bike is your answer to fitness fun.
Donated by: Alan Dershowitz

[Why is Prof. Dershowitz donating an exercise bike? That's the only reason why this one is funny, I guess.]

Five-Course Dinner for Four with Professors Goldsmith and Manning
If you think dinner with your professors has all the appeal of a military tribunal, an evening with Professors Goldsmith and Manning will change your mind. Don't miss the chance to interrogate these pre-eminent scholars over a sumptuous meal.

[Making light of torture is always funny.]

Spend a Day With Dinosaurs at the Harvard Museum of Natural History
The Harvard Museum of Natural History offers 2 guest passes to explore one of Harvard's finest museums. 21 million specimens add up to one great experience.

[Or just spend a day with dinosaurs at a faculty meeting...]

Pen and Ink Drawing
"Art and the Law" isn't just a class anymore -- consider this pen and ink rendition of Palsgraf v. Long Island R.R. Guaranteed to be a conversation starter.

[Would anyone really bid on this??]

Copy of the Ultimate 80's CD
Is your name Rio? Do you have the eye of a tiger? Do you just wanna have fun? Brush up on your Pat Benetar and rock out with Wham! with this blast from the past. Side ponytail not required.

[Um, copying a CD... yes, this is really worth a lot of money...]

Federal Sentencing Guidelines
Professor Frank Bowman (Indiana School of Law, HLS ’79) is co-author of the Federal Sentencing Guidelines Manual. Keep yourself abreast of all the latest changes and recommendations by taking home the recently released 2004 edition.

[This one isn't even autographed!]

Four Frequent Wrapper Cards
Want your friends to like you more? Give them stuff! The Wrap’s Frequent Wrapper cards are the perfect way to start. With four cards, four of your friends will be able to get their 10th burrito, wrap, salad or smoothie absolutely free!

[What? Are these worth any money at all? Aren't these just the cards they give you for free when you go there and get food? What is the value here? This one is just bizarre.]

How to Order From the Secret Menu at In-N-Out-Burger
Essential for anyone living or working on the West Coast. An expert's guide to how to order from the secret menu at In-N-Out-Burger. Make your burgers so much better.

[The SECRET menu???]

Breakfast Tour of New York Stock Exchange for Six
t If you're interested in financial regulation, there's no better combination than Professor Jackson and the NYSE. Jackson will provide breakfast and a tour of the Stock Exchange for the winning bidder and up to 5 additional guests. We definitely like this investment - and we think you should buy, buy, buy!

[Yes, law students are very interesting people.]

Scrabble Cuff Links
In Atwoodville, Connecticut, it is illegal to play Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak. Impress at the next cocktail party with fun Scrabble tidbits and these conversation-starting Scrabble cuff links.

[No comment.]

Professional Consultation on Suggestive Questioning of Children
Would you like to learn more about suggestive questioning of children? Here's an opportunity to speak with HLS alum for an hour by phone about the area of the effects of the suggestive questioning of children - how easily they can be lead to saying what the interviewer wants to hear.

[Definitely no comment.]

Citrus Furniture Wax
Aspirational furniture wax? You betcha! Keep your desk and bookshelves sparkling and be the envy of your peers with this luxurious citrus-scented furniture polish.


Be a Legend in Your Own Time
OPIA will use your name on a sample resume or cover letter in the world renowned Public Interest Job Search Guide. Through this one strategic move, you will have name recognition throughout HLS as well as the entire job-searching public interest world.

[Who could possibly want this???]

Authentic Thai Kickboxing Shorts
Twelve year old Thai boys fighting for the livelihood of their entire families sure look good doing it. Now you can too, with these authentic Thai kickboxing shorts.

[Something sounds vaguely pedophile-like about this one.]

Six-Person Shabbas dinner in NYC
What's the new black in New York City, summer 2005? Shabbas dinner with Professor Suzanne Stone. Everyone's doing it. So should you.

[And this one sounds vaguely racist.]

Lunch with Dean Martin of Harvard Medical School
Enjoy a lunch at the Harvard Club of Boston with Joseph Martin, Dean of the Harvard Medical School and Caroline Shields Walker Professor of Neurobiology and Clinical Neuroscience.

[Dean Martin? That's funny.]

Behind the Scenes Langdell Library Tour (Its secrets revealed!)
Remember the scene in the Paper Chase where the "hero" breaks into the law library to read Professor Kingsfield's contracts notes from his student days? Now you too can see the student notes of past professors, and other great mysteries.


Homemade Heaven
Feeling homesick? Try my homemade yummy chocolate chip cookies - they are guaranteed to give you that warm and fuzzy feeling despite being surrounded by dorm rooms, homework, and finals!

[I'm just nitpicking here, but is there not something a little stomach-turning about the word "fuzzy" so close to the cookie description?]

Lunch with a 30-Year Department of Treasury Staffer
Everyone needs to eat lunch - why don't you do it with a 30-year member of the Treasury Department, while in D.C. this summer? Learn about how this HLS alum made his way into Treasury, and maybe make some inroads yourself.

[That's an eye-catching title there. Boy does that sound interesting.]

Email Help
Is your inbox filled with too many annoying emails you have to respond to but would rather avoid? I will respond on your behalf to the annoying but scary stalker guy who won't take the hint, to the requests for help you feel guilty about turning down, etc.

[Uh, no thanks, actually.]

Anything a nerd can do, your rent-a-nerd can do better. Use him to help you with your homework, fix your computer, or just dance around with his pants buckled up to his chest. He may even wear white knee socks!


[and my favorite of them all...]

Bar Review Course
You know you deserve the best; why not save up to $1000 at the same time? BAR/BRI is the nation's most popular bar review, and its regular cost is well over $2,000. Minimum bid $500 (your bid supports the auction), then pay $1250 to BAR/BRI. (Fifteen available)

[Uh, this isn't really that cheap, is it? $1250 + $500+ -- so you're really not saving all that much...]