We keep getting e-mails asking us to fill out a Survey of Student Engagement. This is not quite that survey.

Dear Reader:
I recently e-mailed you (personally) asking you (personally) to (personally) participate in the Law School Survey of Student Engagement. If you have not yet taken the 15 minutes (give or take an hour) to do so, I (personally) hope that you will do so now. As I said then, the closer we come to 100% participation, the bigger my bonus will be. I need your help to finally get that hot tub I’ve been trying to earn enough money to afford.

SECTION I.
In your experience at your law school during the current school year, about how often have you done each of the following? (Very Often / Often / Sometimes / Never / Too Drunk To Remember)

1. Asked questions in class that contributed to class discussions
2. Asked questions in class that did not contribute to class discussions
3. Prepared two or more drafts of a paper or assignment before turning it in
4. Even bothered to spell-check a paper or assignment before turning it in
5. Come to class without completing readings or assignments
6. Came to class at all
7. Worked with other students on projects during class (i.e. Instant Messaging)
8. Worked with classmates outside of class to prepare class assignments (i.e. Cheating)
9. Put together ideas or concepts from different courses when completing assignments or during class discussions (i.e. Thinking)
10. Used e-mail to communicate with a faculty member
11. Used spam e-mail to communicate with a faculty member
12. Worked harder than you thought you could to meet a faculty member’s standards or expectations
13. Are lying about the answer to question 12
14. Worked with faculty members on activities other than coursework (use your imagination)
15. Had serious conversations with students from a different planet than your own

SECTION II.
During the current school year, how much has your coursework emphasized the following mental activities? (Very Much / Quite a Bit / Some / Very Little / I Wouldn’t Know, Since I Don’t Go To Class)

1. Memorizing facts, ideas, or methods, from your courses and readings so you can parrot them back on the exam
2. Keeping the Tetris blocks from rising too high while answering a professor’s inquiry about a case you didn’t read
3. Convincing yourself that any of this actually matters

SECTION III.
Which of the following have you done or do you plan to do at your law school before you graduate? (Done / Plan to do / Do not plan to do / Wouldn’t do for all the money in the world)

1. Clinical internship or field experience
2. Volunteer or pro bono work
3. Work on a legal research project with a faculty member outside of course requirements
4. Do anything at all outside of course requirements
5. Study abroad
6. Study right here
7. Moot court
8. Real court, following an arrest
9. The People’s Court

SECTION IV.
During the current school year, about how many hours do you spend in a typical 7-day week doing each of the following?

1. Reading assigned textbooks, online class reading, and other course materials
2. Preparing for class and clinical courses other than reading (studying, writing, doing homework, trial preparation)
3. Masturbating
4. Legal pro bono work not required for a class or clinical course
5. Freecell
6. Working for pay in a law-related job
7. Working for pay in a non-legal job
8. Working for pay in an illegal job
9. Relaxing
10. Socializing
11. Drinking alone

SECTION V.

To what extent does your law school emphasize each of the following? (Very Much / Quite a Bit / Some / Very Little / For The Last Time, I’m Not Even Enrolled Here)

1. Spending significant amounts of time studying and on academic work
2. Encouraging the ethical practice of the law
3. Passing out on the sidewalk
4. Working effectively with others
5. Working ineffectively with others
6. Burying your soul deep inside what used to be a living, breathing heart but is now merely a lump of coal that sits in your chest, black and withered from the evil all around you

THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR VIEWS!
Your responses to the survey have been lost in the system somewhere.