Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

New Rules on the New York City subway

From the New York Times:
Moving between cars - as well as resting one's feet on the seats, sipping from an open container (even a cup of coffee) and straddling a bicycle while riding the subway - will be prohibited under a new set of passenger rules adopted by the Metropolitan Transportation Authority's transit committee yesterday, the first such rule changes since 1994.

Subway rules that will continue unchanged:

1. It is unfair for you to listen to music when your neighbors have none. Therefore, the only acceptable volume setting on your iPod is the maximum.

2. Especially when the subway is crowded, place your bags on the seat next to you, never on the floor. Similarly, on rainy days, place your wet umbrella on the seat next to you.

3. Smearing ketchup on exposed subway surfaces is encouraged.

4. Whenever the subway lurches forward and someone brushes against you, give them a dirty look, and when they aren't looking, steal their wallet.

5. The only polite thing to do is to hold the doors open for the people running down the stairs to make the train.

6. Touch subway pole. Touch the person next to you. Repeat.

7. When you see water leaking from the roof of the subway, it is cheating to tell the person standing directly under the leak and getting dripped on, if she hasn't noticed it yet.

8. Letting people pass to get off the train is for losers.

9. Getting a seat on the subway is a Darwinian exercise designed to support the principle of Survival of the Fittest. Never give your seat up for the elderly.

10. Whenever anyone asks you for directions, it is your job as a New Yorker to be as unhelpful as you can possibly be, and in fact direct the person into life-threatening danger whenever possible. ("Cross the tracks to get to the other side, and then...") (You'll want to walk through the tunnels to get to the next station...")

11. Subway employees know everything. Ask lots of questions.