random sketch that isn't that funny

The Apartment

(Lights up on a guy and a girl in an apartment. The guy is playing a makeshift set of drums – coffee cans, garbage pails, etc. The girl is playing with a bicycle horn. They both make noise intermittently throughout the scene.)

DAN
Our new neighbors are weird.

STACY
No kidding. They’re so quiet. It’s unnerving.

DAN
The last ones were awesome. They had great music, they wore heavy shoes, it was so entertaining.

STACY
Yeah, it was like a party on the ceiling every night. I totally miss it.

DAN
But these new ones are lame.

STACY
Lamer than lame.

DAN
Nothing. Not a peep. No slamming doors, no blasting stereos, not even any late-night cell phone calls that we can hear through the vent.

STACY
Yeah, those were the best. “Missy, I love you.” “Missy, I hate you.” “Missy, I have herpes.” It was like our own private radio sitcom.

DAN
I miss radio sitcoms. TV sucks.

STACY
No kidding.

DAN
But I bet these losers don’t even have a phone.

STACY
And the smells! The old neighbors were awesome cooks. With garlic and onions and that Asian fruit that tastes like custard but smells like rotten cheese.

DAN
Durian.

STACY
Yeah, that’s it. It was like living in the supermarket! It was so much fun!

DAN
I think these lame people must be part of that raw food movement. Nothing. No Chinese, no Mexican, no bacon smell to wake us up at six in the morning. Those were the days.

STACY
Those were indeed the days.

DAN
I think we should go up there and complain. You’re studying for the GRE and everything, you need distractions. They have no right to be so quiet and inoffensive.

STACY
Maybe we should tell the landlord.

DAN
Or call the police. I’m afraid--of how lame they are.

STACY
Damn, at least a gunshot once in a while.

DAN
You’re telling me. Maybe a firecracker? Or a smoke alarm?

STACY
How about a leak? Some water dripping through the ceiling? That would be awesome.

DAN
That would be amazing.

STACY
That would be incredible.

(We hear a muffled doorbell.)

DAN
What kind of freaking doorbell was that?

(It rings again.)

DAN
That’s so freaking annoying.

(It rings again.)

DAN
It’s coming from downstairs. I hate those noisy downstairs neighbors. The nerve. Let’s get ‘em.

(DAN and STACY grab baseball bats and exit to go beat up their neighbors.)