Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

This is a fake timestamp. It's really like 2:45 in the morning. The subway is slow late at night. Here's a random sketch that desperately needs a rewrite and a better ending.

The Neighbor

(Two guys sitting in a living room. One is reading, one is watching TV. Suddenly, a knock at the door. They both freeze.)

GARY
(sighs) Crap, not her again.... We’re not here.

PAUL
We are here.

GARY
This is the sixth time this week. And it’s only Tuesday.

PAUL
She just wants to be our friend.

GARY
But how nice do we have to be to a neighbor we both can’t stand?

PAUL
Maybe you can’t stand her. I think she’s... fine. She’s... fine.

GARY
You like her?

PAUL
No. But I don’t hate her.

GARY
That’s a pretty low threshold for being willing to spend time with someone.

(Another knock. They lower their voices.)

GARY
We’re not here.

PAUL
We are here. This isn’t nice.

GARY
But if we keep letting her in, she’s just going to keep coming over, and before you know it, one of us is married to her.

PAUL
I guess you mean me.

GARY
Well it’s not going to be me.

PAUL
I don’t want to marry her. But what’s the harm? She’s new to the city, she’s lonely, she wants friends. What’s the difference if she watches TV with us?

GARY
It sets a precedent. It’s the principle of it.

PAUL
Not everything is about the principle.

GARY
No, you’re wrong. Everything is about the principle. Otherwise you start to slide down a very slippery slope.

PAUL
This is like the dishes. Just because I leave one dish in the sink overnight doesn’t mean that one dish is going to suddenly become twenty dishes---

GARY
But it’s the principle---

PAUL
No. There’s no principle. She’s not a bad person, she’s knocking on the door, we’re letting her in.

(Paul starts to get up. Gary gets up and pushes Paul back down to the couch.)

GARY
No, we’re not. We’re not here.

PAUL
We are here. I told her we’d be here.

GARY
You told her we’d be here? When did you tell her we’d be here?

PAUL
When she e-mailed me at work.

GARY
She e-mailed you at work? How did she get your e-mail address?

PAUL
I gave it to her.

GARY
Why?

PAUL
Because she asked for it.

GARY
And what are you going to say when she asks you to marry her?

PAUL
I’m going to say no.

GARY
No, you’re not. Because you’ve established a precedent. You say yes. You need to say no. It’s the principle of it.

PAUL
Again with the principle. I’m not going to not be nice to her just out of principle.

(Another knock. They lower their voices.)

GARY
We’re not here.

PAUL
We are here.

(Paul starts to get up. Gary gets up and pushes Paul back down to the couch.)

GARY
If you open that door, I’m going to screw your sister.

PAUL
You don’t even like my sister.

GARY
It doesn’t matter. It’s the principle.

PAUL
(straining to come up with a response) Yeah, well… if you don’t let me answer the door, I’m going to... punch the TV?

GARY
Why would you punch the TV? It’s your TV anyway.

PAUL
I don’t know. The principle?

GARY
What principle?

PAUL
(exasperated) I’m not as good at this as you. You don’t worry about being nice to our neighbor or giving a minute to help the environment or recycling our cans and bottles. But I can’t do that. I’m jealous of you. You could punch our neighbor in the face and it wouldn’t eat at you at all. But she asks me to borrow my toothbrush and I’m powerless to say no.

GARY
She borrowed your toothbrush?

PAUL
Only once.

GARY
That’s disgusting.

PAUL
What was I supposed to do?

GARY
You were supposed to say no.

PAUL
I can’t.

GARY
You have to.

(Another knock. They lower their voices.)

GARY
We’re not here.

PAUL
We’re not here.

GARY
Good.

PAUL
(yelling) We’re not here.

(Gary gives him an angry look.)

VOICEOVER (Chinese accent)
Okay, you no want your food, I leave.

GARY
Wait, that was the delivery guy.

PAUL
Crap. Now what are we going to eat?

(Blackout.)