The True Story of Rafael Palmiero's Steroid Scandal

VOICEOVER
“I have never intentionally used steroids. Never. Ever.”

(Lights up on Rafael Palmeiro eating sour patch kids. B.J. Surhoff walks by.)

B.J.
Put those down, Raffy!

RAFAEL
My sour patch kids?

B.J.
Yeah. Don’t you know what’s in them?

RAFAEL
Sugar?

B.J.
Sure, but see how big each sour patch kid’s arms are? They’re all juiced up. There’s steroids in there. You’re going to fail that random drug test they informed you that you’ll be taking tomorrow.

RAFAEL
No way. I love sour patch kids. I like to imagine that they’re my children, frolicking in the meadow, playing kickball. The yellow ones are the best at kickball, but the orange ones are the tastiest flavor.

B.J.
Well, you’re going to fail your drug test.

RAFAEL
Am not.

B.J.
Are too.

RAFAEL
Am not.

B.J.
Are too.

RAFAEL
Am too.

B.J.
Are not.

RAFAEL
See? Aha!

B.J.
You’re a moron.

(JORGE JULIO enters, eating a ring ding.)

JORGE
Hey guys.

RAFAEL
Hey.

B.J.
Put that down!

JORGE
My ring ding?

B.J.
Yeah, don’t you know ring dings have steroids? The cream in the middle. The CREAM.

JORGE
The cream? Like they were all talking about?

B.J.
Yeah. The CREAM.

(Jorge throws the ring ding across the room. Rafael picks it up and starts eating it.)

B.J.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING???

RAFAEL
You’re crazy, B.J. There’s no steroids in Ring Dings. It’s just chocolate, cake, and whipped cream. It’s delicious. You’re being paranoid.

B.J.
You’ll see, Raffy. You’re going to regret this. THE CREAM!

(Erik Bedard enters, sucking a lollipop)

ERIK
Hey guys.

JORGE
Hey Erik.

B.J.
Erik! Get that thing out of your mouth! Don’t you know what’s in there?

ERIK
Sugar? And some gum in the middle?

B.J.
No, dude, look. Steroids shrink your testicles, right?

ERIK
That’s what Sammy said.

B.J.
Yeah, so what happens as you lick the lollipop?

ERIK
It gets smaller.

B.J.
Right. Like your testicles. There’s steroids in that lollipop.

(ERIK hurls it across the room, and then vomits on the floor repeatedly to get it all out of his system.)

B.J.
Smart move, Erik. Smart kid.

(RAFAEL picks the dirty lollipop up off the floor and starts licking it.)

B.J.
You’re asking for trouble, Raffy. You’re asking for it. You’re tempting fate here. 500 home runs, 3000 hits, and you’re tempting fate. You’re a madman, Raffy. A madman.

RAFAEL
It’s just a blow pop.

B.J.
It’s a steroid delivery device, that’s what it is.

(BRIAN ROBERTS casually enters, holding a syringe.)

BRIAN
What’s up guys?

ERIK
Hey Brian.

B.J.
Is that a SYRINGE? What’s wrong with you? Put that down!

BRIAN
It’s just some stuff my trainer gave me. It’s nothing.

B.J.
Nothing?!?!?! You know how steroids are delivered? In a syringe! Those could be steroids!

BRIAN
Oh, crap, you’re right.

(BRIAN throws the syringe across the room.)

BRIAN
Thanks, B.J.

(RAFFY picks up the syringe and starts to inject himself.)

B.J.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING???????

RAFAEL
Give me a break, B.J. You think everything has steroids. My sour patch kids, Jorge’s ring ding, Erik’s lollipop, and now Brian’s syringe. You’re overreacting. I’m going to prove you wrong once and for all.

(RAFAEL injects himself with the syringe.)

(Blackout.)