Questions and Answers about Finding the Perfect Halloween Costume

Q. I'm hoping to go as John Roberts, but I'm not sure how to do that. Any thoughts?

A. Just wear a normal business suit. When someone asks, "Trick or Treat?" simply respond, "I'm sorry, I can't answer that. The issue may come before the Court one day." Playing John Roberts is also fun at the supermarket ("Paper or Plastic?"), gas station ("Cash or Credit?"), and airline check-in counter ("Window or Aisle?").

Q. I'm hoping to go as Harriet Miers, but I'm really not sure how to do that. Any thoughts?

A. Buy an inflatable George Bush doll, and tape it to yourself. That should work. Or you can just re-use the blue dress you wore as Monica Lewinsky five years ago.

Q. The theme of my Halloween party is Mardi Gras. How can I put a damper on the festivities in my own uniquely personal way?

A. Get a wheelchair, wrap yourself in a white bedsheet, and you can show up as that guy they kept showing outside the Superdome on all the news shows.

Q. How about something slightly less offensive than that?

A. Oh. Sorry. Put a paper bag over your head and go as Michael Brown.

Q. Any other ideas?

A. Well, if you're looking for costume ideas for two, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are sure to be a popular one.

Q. How about costume ideas for three?

A. Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and the publicist that brought them together. A modern day love story.

Q. Is that really funny enough to end on? I don't think it is.

A. I don't think so either, but that's all I've got.

Q. Really? That's kind of weak.

A. I know, but I've been distracted by the baseball playoffs. And the bird flu.

Q. Oh! The bird flu! I want to dress up for Halloween as the Bird Flu!

A. That's easy! Put on a beak, start coughing, maybe carry around some fake phlegm and throw it at people -- perfect! Best costume idea of the year.

Q. Well, next to the "Saddam on Trial" costume, of course.

A. Of course.

Q. Of course.