I randomly feel like re-running a piece from about a year ago, just because I think it's funny. I'll have something new later today, but for now, if you missed this the first time around, here's something too long but hopefully amusing.
Law School Weekly Events Newsletter
I. ADMINISTRATIVE ANNOUNCEMENTS.
Dean's Office Hours
The Dean welcomes students in her office to talk about issues facing the law school. She will hold office hours on Tuesday morning from 2:00-4:00 am. For an appointment, sign up in person with her secretary, whose office is in Borneo.
The cafeteria is sponsoring a mentoring program for students wishing to become servers in the cafeteria. For more information, go to the grill during lunch hours and use the secret code, "Grade D Meat, please." You will then be taken into the potato shed for an orientation and peeling session.
Have a problem? Call us. We're here to listen. Our number's unlisted though.
Academic Calendar Available
For the 2006-07 Academic Calendar, just released this week by the Registrar to great fanfare, go to the law school's web page, or send a self-addressed stamped envelope to John Cook c/o the Registrar's Office. A limited number of autographed copies of the calendar are available for a modest $10 processing fee. Cash only.
II. BAR INFORMATION
Bar-Bri: Sign Up Now before fees once again rise
Don't miss your fourth-to-last opportunity to lock in the special fall term discount Bar-Bri rate of $exactly what it will cost later and receive a copy of the 4-Book Set, "Stuff You Don't Need To Know Yet." Also, join Bar-Bri in celebrating its latest achievement. 90%. That's right, 90% of all Bar-Bri students pay $2500 to sit in a room and watch videotapes for six hours a day instead of having a live lecturer.
III. CAREER SERVICES
3L to 1L Summer Job Panel Discussion
1Ls are invited to hear 3Ls lie about how much fun their summer jobs were, and how easy it is for 1Ls to get them. There will be time for questions, but not answers. Dust will be served.
2008 Judicial Clerkship Season Is Here
Students seeking clerkships in 2008: the application process train is about to leave the station and you don't want to be left behind at the ticket counter trying to trade your stub in for the next bus to legal writing instructor land. Students interested in clerkships should have already secured eighteen letters of recommendation, ordered seventy-one thousand copies of their transcripts, and collected three jars filled with black sand from the beaches of New Zealand. Please bring four hundred postage stamps to this meeting; if your applications are not mailed by the end of the day, your next chance for a clerkship will be in 2045, and even for then there's a waiting list.
No Job? Oh Wow That Sucks
If the on-campus interviewing process has failed to provide you with any job offers, well, sucks to be you, we've done our job so there.
Employers Who Cancelled OCI Visits...
...are obviously in deep financial trouble. But we suppose it's better than nothing, so if you'd like a list of these insolvent and clearly headed for disaster law firms, stop by the office wearing the big scarlet zero you received in your mailbox last week and we'll provide you a copy of the list, along with some help reading the long names.
IV. CLINICAL PROGRAM
Openings in Spring Courses
There are still a handful of open slots in the courses no one wants to take. E-mail Prof. Smith to sign up for his latest seminar, "All About Professor Smith," or his reading group, entitled, "My Books."
Add/Drop Deadline for all courses
The add/drop deadline was yesterday. Sorry for the late notice.
The Franklin Award
Alumnus Richard Franklin, class of 1913, is offering a $1000 cash prize to the student who writes the most comprehensive paper on the topic of shielding your assets from the young trophy wife who's great in bed but you're afraid is only after you for your money.
Franco-Prussian Law Review Seeks Submissions
The Franco-Prussian law review seeks articles on contemporary issues of Franco-Prussian law for its spring issue.
Franco-American Law Review Seeks Submissions
The Franco-American law review seeks articles about pasta in a can. Those authors whose articles are selected to be published will receive lots and lots of Spaghetti-O's.
VI. COURSE ANNOUNCEMENTS
Advanced Issues in Personal Jurisdiction
This course is still open.
Law and Roller Coasters
This 12-person seminar, which will include twelve all-expense-paid trips to theme parks across the world, still has space on the waiting list, which right now numbers just three hundred. You won't get in, but feel free to put your name down anyway.
Law and The Law
Professor Jones is seeking a more interesting name for this class.
The Law of Law
Professor Jones is seeking a more interesting name for this class also.
VII. FINANCIAL AID
Like the last fifty-two weeks, there is no information in this section. Just thought we'd put it here to get your hopes up. Sorry.
VIII. FINANCIAL PUNISHMENT
Your term bills, which will be sent out tomorrow, are due today. A late charge will be assessed for any reason we feel like. To get this charge removed, you must pay it.
IX. GENERAL INTEREST
Concerned about that strange discharge?
Stay away from Jocelyn Brown, 2L. She's already got crabs and doesn't need anything else.
An Alternative Way Of Calculating the Sales Tax: A Roundtable Discussion with Ninety-Six Pre-eminent Legal Theorists
This discussion is open to all. In anticipation of the widespread interest we expect, we have booked room 14B for this event, also known as the "broom closet."
Need Help Preparing For Exams?
Grow up, you're in law school, fool.
Thanksgiving Virtual Food Drive, sponsored by the Office of Technology Services
If you go to the technology services web page before Thanksgiving, you can click on pictures of food that, in theory, you would love to see poor people provided with on Thanksgiving Day. They will then receive printouts of those pictures to enjoy as they starve.
Drop-In Times for "Ask The Proctologist"
The University's proctologist-on-call will be available for in-person consults on Wednesday in the same place they make the cafeteria food, where he will use cafeteria utensils to conduct examinations, and then, without washing them, put them back in the drawers.
X. INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY SERVICES
...are for people, but computers feel left out. That's why we're giving out Virus Shots to PCs on Wednesday afternoon, at no charge. Like a flu shot, a Virus Shot is a small amount of a deadly virus that we'll inject into your hard drive, in the hopes that your computer's natural antibodies will fight off the infection and be immune from that virus strain. This event is being sponsored by the Committee For Idiotic Ideas and the Laptop Sale (see below).
Is your laptop infected with a virus? Buy one from us for just 15% more than you'd pay in a store.
Professor Madison seeks a slave
No experience necessary, no pay. Duties include: doing laundry, cooking dinner, and teaching his classes whenever he doesn't feel like doing it himself.
Professor Johnson seeks a "research assistant"
Professor Johnson has a "research project" that involves long hours of "work," mostly late at night when his wife is away. Assistant must be "patient" (Professor Johnson is old), and have a great "grasp" of research "tools." Also must be "flexible," eager for a "learning experience," and ready to dive in and get "hands dirty." Assistant must also be a young man with a long [rhymes with Venus].
Professor Harrison (James) seeks a student
training to be a divorce attorney, specializing in situations where the husband has cheated, but the wife hasn't.
Professor Harrison (Jane) seeks a student
training to be a divorce attorney, specializing in situations where the wife's cheated too, but the husband doesn't know it.
For the fifth consecutive week, we must remind you that jelly is not allowed in the library. It makes the books sticky. Please confine your jelly use to the cafeteria.
XIII. LOST & FOUND
In the hallway outside career services. If found, throw it out, I don't need it anymore.
Found: 400-page outline
And I'm not giving it back. Ha ha ha.
Lost: My Lunch
After I found the maggots inside. Ew.
Found: His Lunch
In my locker. Ew.
XIV. PUBLIC INTEREST
Due to budgetary constraints on the number of letters we could afford for the door, the Office of Public Interest Advising has been renamed "Bob."
1Ls: Already Rejected At Firms?
Then come see us! We've got pages and pages of job listings no one looks at until they've got no other choice. We can help you secure your dream job collecting trash on the highway, fixing potholes, or changing bulbs in streetlamps.
2Ls and 3Ls: Really screwed?
We can help! Ever wanted to work in Moldova?
New Speaker Announcement
We have just purchased a new speaker. It is gray, four feet tall, and will be placed on the left side of the podium in Room 402. More information is available from the Speakers Office.
Harold Van Goblinbaker
The esteemed circuit court judge will be speaking about the role of judges in the coming war against the aliens tomorrow at 3:00 in the Center for Transnational Studies.
Law Student Republicans Present
The assistant deputy associate undersecretary for the department of health, taking questions tomorrow about the administration's policy on yeast infections. Don't miss this exciting event!
Finally, with no greater fanfare than anything else in this insipid publication
Bruce Springsteen will be performing live at the law school today at 4:00. This notice is printed in invisible ink and no other notice will be given. You will first hear of this event when the newspaper writes about it and you will kick yourself for not going, but no one will have gone, because no one will have heard about it, because we bury the interesting stuff along with all this other crap and so how do you really learn about the stuff that's cool and worthwhile?
The intramural badminton club will be having a scrimmage against the club from the Education School tomorrow at 6:00 on a slab of concrete somewhere.
Too cold. Not here. Should have gone to UVA.
Professors will be wrestling each other for tenure on Dred Scott Field on Monday at 2:00.
XVII. STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS
Introductory meeting either tomorrow at 3 AM on the roof, if we feel up to it, or six months from now after we drag ourselves to the clinic and finally get some Prozac.
Racial Intolerance Society
Meeting tomorrow over dinner to talk about how much we hate foreign people and everything about them. Join us at Thai Bistro at 6:00.
Affirmative Action Club Accepting Applications
Limited slots available.
Michael Jackson Fan Club
Prayer vigil Sunday at 8:00. Children welcome.
XVIII. WESTLAW NEWS
Earn 1,000 Points
Just look up the word "The" and make a list of every case it appears in, and 1,000 points can be yours.
18,000 points now gets you a $5 gift certificate to the Westlaw Store, where you can buy pens and coffee mugs that say Westlaw all over them. Congratulations!