Saddam Hussein named new Law School dean
Harvard University president Larry Summers announced this week that Saddam Hussein has been named the next dean of Harvard Law School. Mr. Hussein, who has a wealth of executive experience, will begin his term in the fall. Summers said, “we feel fortunate that Saddam was looking for a change, and that the timing of our opening with his ‘early retirement’ was perfect. I look forward to working with Saddam on critical issues facing the law school, and feel he will be a tremendous asset as we explore the possibility of stockpiling weapons of mass destruction, and taking over Lesley College by force.” It is rumored that Mr. Hussein just barely beat out Professor [name withheld to protect the guilty] in a faculty vote. One faculty member who wished to remain anonymous said, “we just felt Professor [name withheld] was a bit too dictatorial, and thought we would be better off with someone with a bit more warmth.” Mr. Hussein released a statement expressing his honor and delight at being selected for the position, promising to bring himself up to speed on all matters concerning the law school “just as soon as the current project I’m involved in finishes up.”
Reflection Room disaster: coffee cold, cookies stale
Students held a rally outside the Harkness Commons Monday afternoon, not in protest over the war in Iraq, but in protest over the conditions of “the Reflection Room,” set up as a place where students could seek refuge from the turmoil in the Persian Gulf. Over thirty Reflection Room regulars carried signs, including “no more cold coffee,” “can’t you afford fresh donuts?” and “eating these horrible cookies is worse than flying in military helicopter and being attacked by missiles.” Upstairs in the Hark, the sounds of the protestors could be heard by the few students bold enough to venture into the Reflection Room regardless of the quality of the free refreshments. Said one 2L, “I think the cookies are just fine. I especially like the little gingerbread men. Although the ones whose heads are missing are a bit frightening, and only serve to remind me of the world situation. Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep.” Dean Clark expressed disappointment that students would react negatively to the free coffee and donuts, meant entirely “as a goodwill gesture to the law school community.” Dean Clark explained: “I had the idea to give out free cookies, donuts and coffee, but just needed a reason. Then I called up my good friend President Bush and he agreed to start a war for us, just so I could put my plan into action.”
Harvard endowment grows 36%; “slow economy” blamed
Harvard University’s 2003 tax return, released publicly this week, indicates that the endowment grew by 36% this past year to a total of “28 and a whole bunch of zeroes.” The lackluster return is blamed on the slow economy. The office of financial planning released a statement apologizing for the situation, and promising a return to the usual triple-digit growth in the coming year. Said a representative, “I understand that people will be disappointed that we were only able to beat every single mutual fund, bond, and international currency investment by approximately 40% in this year of troubled economic times. But I can assure you that there will be accountability for this disaster and the coming year will involve a greater-than-usual amount of strategic investment, fundraising, and currency printing in the basement of Langdell Library.”
Students use break to make a difference
Last week, Harvard Law School students traveled around the world to help the economies of a number of countries over spring break, including Jamaica, Cancun, Bermuda and the Cayman Islands. Staying in some of the nicest resorts in the world, accompanied in some cases by MTV Spring Break camera crews, these students sacrificed their week off from school to help grow the economies of these struggling nations, going out of their way to buy copious amounts of liquor, eat gourmet food, and sleep until noon.