I went to Starbucks a couple of days ago for the first time in a long while -- it's expensive, and coffee is icky -- because it was really cold out and I wanted some sort of hot drink. (The Hallmark post I wrote below reminds me -- in college, a friend once made the amusing observation that there are no masculine drinks at Starbucks. Whipped cream and caramel aren't very macho.) My mom had mentioned that she had a Pumpkin Spice Latte the other week and it was good, so I figured that wouldn't kill me. I was shocked at how big Starbucks' menu had gotten. I don't think they always had so much stuff. So many combinations of coffee, milk, sugar, and flavor that cost them three pennies and they charge three dollars for. All this is to set up the following idea I had.
Starbucks Menu Parody
All drinks can be ordered:
1. In any of our five sizes -- enorme, gigantesco, mucho gordo, grande gulp, and dovrete orinare presto
2. With regular milk, skim milk, soy milk, sheep's milk, goat's milk, milk chocolate, or a blended milky way candy bar
3. With whipped cream, regular cream, heavy cream, or cream of wheat
4. Topped with chocolate sprinkles, flakes of butter, chunks of lard, shards of glass, or some of the many pennies of profit we make on your purchase
5. In a ceramic mug, a to-go cup with patent-pending cardboard heat sheath, or mainlined directly in your bloodstream with our new Starbucks IV Drip System (TM), plain or covered in edible mocha
6. Iced, dry iced, room temperature, warm, hot, really hot, ouch, already evaporated, surface of the sun, or plasma
7. One shot of espresso, DoubleShot, StayAwake TripleShot, HeartStopping QuadShot, Did-you-really-crash-through-the-door-like-that QuintShot, HopeYou'reNotPregnant SixShot, and NotForHumanConsumption SevenShot
Espresso and hot water
Caffè Americano Terribile
Espresso and cold water
Caffè Americano Non Sano
Espresso and dirty water
Espresso and steamed milk
Espresso, steamed milk and foamed milk
Espresso, steamed milk, foamed milk, warm milk, sour milk, and buttermilk
Espresso, vanilla and caramel mark the foamed milk with sugar and fat
Espresso, steamed milk, mocha syrup, whipped cream, caramel swirl, chocolate swirl, a cherry on top, and cubes of pure sugar saturate the beverage such that it resembles a slurry more than a liquid
Espresso and steamed dairy eggnog, topped with foam, ground nutmeg, and the spirit of Christmas embodied in a $4.00 beverage that tastes like a mistake that one of our baristas came up with and customers, just because we put it on our menu, decided it must be a traditional European delicacy and are willing to pay for it
For our Jewish friends, who do not enjoy the seasonal taste of Eggnog, Espresso and fried potato, topped with foam, ground cinnamon, applesauce, and sour cream
Gingerbread flavored caffé latte, topped with whipped cream, ground nutmeg, bits of Hansel, and chunks of Gretel (watch out for bones)
Espresso, cocoa and peppermint flavored syrup, topped with whipped cream and a full pound of red sugar sprinkles -- tastes like Christmas
Espresso, cocoa and peppermint flavored syrup, melted candy corn, snack sized Three Musketeers bars, caramel chunks, chocolate pieces, jelly beans, and a plastic broomstick stirring straw
Pumpkin Spice Latte
Pumpkin flavored latte topped with whipped cream, spice topping, and a slice of pie
Syrup Flavored Latte
Espresso, steamed milk, and enough syrup to kill you
Toffee Nut Latte
Espresso, steamed milk, toffee-nut flavored syrup and whipped cream
Vanilla Toffee Nut Latte
Espresso, steamed milk, vanilla-toffee-nut syrup and whipped cream
Vanilla Mocha Pumpkin Toffee Nut Latte
Espresso, steamed milk, vanilla-mocha-pumpkin-toffee-nut syrup and whipped cream
Frappucino Blended Coffee Beverages
Coffee Frappuccino Blended Coffee
A proprietary blend including coffee and milk blended with ice. A proprietary blend. So don't be trying and copy our top-secret mixture of ice, coffee, milk, and sugar. It's impossible. Impossible! Don't forget the whipped cream.
Java Chip Frappuccino® Blended Coffee
Coffee, chocolate and chocolate chips blended with ice, topped with whipped cream and chocolate drizzle. This really exists. I haven't changed the description. This is more transparent than Cookie Crisp cereal. How can I parody their menu when their menu is a parody of itself. The word chocolate appears three times in the description. Can anyone think that this is not going to kill them? All we need to do is add six or seven more shots of espresso and then we'll get 'em good and dead.
Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino® Blended Coffee
A proprietary blend including coffee, pumpkin and traditional holiday spice flavors, blended with ice and topped with whipped cream and pumpkin pie spices. I give up. What is a "holiday spice flavor"? This is off their website. I'm not making this up. This "proprietary blend" stuff is hilarious, and I don't know how many spices they can fit in an eight-ounce cup for $4.35 when half the cup is ice.
Frappucino Blended Creme ("Forget the coffee! We're not even pretending anymore. This is just sugar. This is just plain sugar, liquefied and blended with our proprietary ice mixture, featuring ice from three different parts of our freezer, blended together with your wallet.)
Double Chocolate Chip Frappuccino® Blended Crème
Rich chocolate, chocolate chips and milk blended with ice, topped with whipped cream and chocolate drizzle. [For nutritional information, stand on a freakin' scale, and watch the numbers go up as you drink yourself to type II diabetes]
Classic Favorites, for people who've been dragged here by their caffeine-addicted friends and colleagues, who support our children's college educations.
100% pressed apple juice, poured by the coffee-stained hands of our employee-shareholders from behind their faux-European counters
Caramel Apple Cider
Steamed apple juice, caramel, cinnamon syrup and whipped cream. Because apple juice is too healthy, and we need to add sugar to it.
Choice of milk with mocha syrup and splash of vanilla. It's chocolate milk. It's from a container. We're just pretending here so we can charge you $3.50 for it.
Our proprietary chocolate milk, heated up in a microwave
Range of highest quality milk products (from fat-free to half-and-half) [I swear this is what the menu says. Highest-quality milk means what -- not spoiled? And a cup of half and half is actually probably no less healthy than anything else on here]
Add some more damn sugar to your favorite beverage
Add some more damn chocolate to your favorite beverage, as if chips and sprinkles and a mocha chocolate infusion weren't enough
Whipped Cream Topping
Add a little fun to your drink. Really, that's what it says.
And, oh, coffee.